hey you up there!

I yelled at the universe today, driving in my car yelling out of the windscreen up at the sky like a madwomen  " if your listening to the thoughts in my head I'm going to just stop thinking because its not working and your just listening to the negative. There are lots of very positive thoughts, I've told you what I want clearly, can you give me the positive ones for gods sake!"  I was fuming " are you listening???"
I was driving over to pick up my son for an emergency doctors appointment as an ultrasound has shown the lump he has could be cancerous. I'm sick of this, it's getting to the point that I'm wondering if any of this positive action and thought works as I feel like I've been running through mud and going one step forwards, two steps back for years! We're keeping positive right now, it seems to be an isolated lump and we still don't have it confirmed yet so no need to panic. That seems very cold but as a family there has been a lot of serious illness in the last few years and doctors and hospitals are familiar territory. I've had major operations myself with years of tests so I know the score. We've waited for news in the past and its been the worst news and I know there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, call it self protection or aversion to unnecessary drama because frankly we've had enough of that. My son is not disturbed right now, I am expecting a wobbly moment at some point when the news sinks in and I'll be there for him. I wonder if I lost my job so I can be there for him? I'll not be much use to him in jail because I can't pay my bills though will I universe! Are you listening??? 

For crying out loud

I hope that quote is true, I really do but I fail to see why whats happened today has happened. I was getting ready for work this morning and I got a text to say not to come in this week, completely out of the blue. I'm freelance in my job but even so to just stop me coming like that is really not right. If I don't work, I don't earn so it's gutting! I had written my little list of what the next four months money would be allocated too and was looking forward to being paid at the end of this month so that I could eventually, a year after moving in, have a normal bathroom again. It's so disappointing and I'm really fed up at the thought of trying to find another job too, when will this ever end! I had dared to look forward to spending decent money inside the house again but I don't understand what happening because my councellor and the book I'm re-reading now both tell me to let go of negativity and look forward to good things coming into your life. I was really doing that, planning the next stages and putting lots of positive thoughts out there about how my life was good and today I've gone backwards!! I've got to put up with that damn bathroom for even longer and I'm so fed up about it!

 I'd taken the polystyrene tiles off the ceiling when I first moved in as they were a fire risk. There are huge cracks and flaking plaster where there has been movement in the past and I was quite worried about it when I saw it but there is no cracking and movement to the brickwork outside so it hasn't been the walls moving. There has been some work to the roof and the tiles have been replaced (a man who was pointing next doors chimney told me) so I'm hoping that it was moving joists again that were causing the cracking and that's been fixed.

It's horrid to be living with this now, the floorboards are so old and broken that they can't be sanded and painted so it's a case of waiting until the new ceiling has been put in before I can put decent flooring down. This means that there's dust and dirt and the cats insist on jumping into the wet bath or sink and covering them with dirty paw prints, it really gets me down.

 The walls I spent days sanding down as they were pebble dash painted, it was a tedious dusty job but there's no point putting up wallpaper as the tiling needs to be done first.Theres cracking and blown plaster all around the window with some worrying 'lumps' that I'm trying to ignore.

I've always had lovely bathrooms and although I was fully prepared to ruff it a bit whilst I developed, I'm totally sick and tired of it now.

Not just me then

We've spent Easter redecorating my daughter's bedroom. I say redecorating because I'd already done it once but now instead of buying wallpaper for the chimney breasts we have new paper in her room and the chimney breasts will have to wait until next month! It does look lovey though. Why did I redo it you might ask?
She spent an evening at our old house and came home and broke down. I still haven't really got to the bottom of why but she had gone upstairs to her old bedroom and although it has a new bed, the wallpaper, curtains and carpet are still hers. A bit like me with the pillows, she was suddenly transported back and she missed it very much. She wanted her room here at Ambleside to look just the same as that room, the room she said 'where she was safe'
I suspect as well as missing the room, she misses the safety of her 'fake Dad' They had been very close and of course she didn't have the turmoil associated with the house that I had. By the end I had grown to hate it but to her it was home. He had clearly grown very tired of all of us over the last year of our time together and was relieved to be rid of us all. He packed everything up in her room within a day when I got the keys to this house while she was at school and he had her moved out and her room made into a guest room within a couple of days. It was no surprise to me that he could be that heartless but it really shocked her.
I think wanting her room to look just like her old one has something to do with letting go of those days and then also wanting to go back to feeling 'safe' as so much of her life is changing now as she grows up. She has begun driving lessons, she's starting work, the world is opening up and although she's excited, she's letting go of childhood too and she's stuck between two worlds. I was quite prepared to indulge her as I know just how she feels, as I am doing the same.I've chosen not to have a new relationship yet, I will when I'm ready and that is my future but for now I'm in limbo, no longer in the old but not in the new and I want to stay here for as long as I need to. If we both stayed 'stuck' that wouldn't be good but I won't let that happen.

The DIY shop that we bought her original wallpaper from went into liquidation so we found a very similar one and we have transformed her room into her old one. This could seem very unhealthily, worryingly disturbed but I prefer to see it as a very positive step, that she has self nurtured. She recognised what she needed and took part in giving it to herself. She did all the painting and has added different touches in new curtains and lampshades that aren't like her old room at all which is a positive step forward. I suspect when she's ready the wallpaper will be changed again and it will be interesting to see when that will be but for now she has her old room back and it's made her very happy. Isn't that what all this is about?

As usual we always have our little helpers :-)