Wise words

As I was weeding the tiny front garden yesterday after all the excitement of the hedge removal, a neighbour that I haven't met before stopped to chat about the renovation I was doing to Ambleside. He voiced how he'd always wanted to buy an old property and renovate it and just the way he spoke about his dream reminded me that I'm not a women who's lost my dream, I am a women who has been given many other peoples dream and one that was once mine. All the time in my relationships I had longed for my own property to renovate as a project or even a career and now I have it. It's been a little overshadowed by my heartache, quite a lot overshadowed actually. This year and a half has been tough, adjusting to a change in my life that I hadn't wanted and it's still a shock that I left even after all this time. I still feel sometimes that I really ought to be going home now but it's a home I don't want, it's a home that isn't home anymore but neither is this new life. It's an odd limbo land I live in now and sometimes I forget that I have a goal, a purpose. Yesterdays conversation got me back on track and I suddenly felt very lucky in a week where I had been focused on everything that I didn't have. It was just what I needed. I have renovated properties before but never one as run down as this and never solely on my own. I have drawn countless plans for people renovating their properties and always felt envious. The joy that my dream had come true had been numbed by in all my emotional turmoil over leaving and job losses and the annoyance that my life was seemingly worse in comparison had crept in. Everything is perception, controlled by the thoughts in your head and what one man saw as everything he ever dreamt of was everything I'd ever dreaded to me this week. I saw the light. It's my baby, everything I do to Ambleside is my choice and when it's finished I will be so proud of it because I did it on my own. Because of finances it's taking a lot longer than I would like and even though I'm getting frustrated at living in such a mess, I must keep focused that it's all heading in the right direction. I may not be having holidays and meals in lovely restaurants and new clothes right now because all my money goes on Ambleside but I have something other people can only dream about and I should be really really grateful for that.