A Year and a Half Anniversary

Yesterday was my year and a half anniversary and I spent it right in the heart of my old village working at the Carnival! Scary stuff and have to admit yesterday morning I actually wondered why on earth I had volunteered to do it! But I'd taken all of my steps to 'presenting the best me I can be' which is something I've taught myself over the last 18 months. Its something my Councillor and I have been working on, ever since she asked me what unconscious body language message I was giving off to people. Hmm, I'd no idea.
I'd had to go 'back' a few weeks ago, right into the heart of the old party and I was stressing big time. I definitely didn't want to be treated like a 'victim' and I didn't want to be giving off that message subconsciously, not in that environment so we worked on the 'something different about her' message. I liked the idea that I would go back and be different, not in appearance but something they just couldn't quite put their finger on and not at all the old me that they had known. A new free person, ready to stand my ground in a place where previously I had hidden behind the main player. I hadn't been me for a very long time in that position, how can you be when your not living an authentic life, true to your values. I had become this frantic, trying to cope person and every ounce of the stress of it must have subconsciously shown. My Councillor wanted me to walk back in displaying an air of confidence, a calmness and inner peace that was genuine. I would be different on the inside and that would show on the outside. I hadn't liked the me back then and am so glad that I don't have to be her anymore, so I liked the sound of that!
I began to think of where that inner peace was to be found and wrote and wrote it out in my diary until I got my answers, then I decided to write my conclusions out into a plan that I could refer back to everytime I felt the heeby geebys coming on again. IT REALLY WORKS!
In couplesville you can loose so much of who you are, of what makes you, you and in the mist of the aftermath of a break up if your foundation is gone , your left utterly realling with nothing to grab hold on. I wish I had this plan right at the beginning of my break up and I'm going to put it in my book right along with the how to wallpaper instructions.
Soo back to the Carnival, I was nervous to see some faces that I didn't want to engage with. I was nervous to being pushed into conversations that I didn't want to have, ones that made me a victim, so I did some work on that too. I wrote it out, the questions and statements that could come my way and my response to them, I was prepared for every eventuality. It worked like a dream, made me feel much more confident, less vulnerable and that plans going in the book to!
I was touched when one group of old couples friends that I hadn't seen in 18 months took the time to acknowledge me and say hello, decent people so no questions, just a lovely exchange. There were other awkward looks, which I dismissed with a huge genuine inner peace smile every time it happened. There was the inevitable visit by someone I had anticipated and put my pre-plan into practice and didn't acknowledge her at all. The old me would have been so desperate to people please and prove myself, that I would have given her attention and allowed her to disturb my inner peace but this time I didn't even open up that possibility. I've learnt that this kind of deflection is essential to rebuilding and it doesn't have to be a nasty experience for anyone. Its so lovely to be on the other side of it all as I have a choice now and the choice is looking after the inner me first.