Thoughts

I have a few different friends going through relationship stuff at the moment, I wont go into details as it's their private business  but they are all trying to find a light at the end of their current tunnels. I feel for them I really do, I've been there. What strikes me is why, when couples don't want to give up hope on each other, don't they really take the steps to rescue their relationship before it becomes too late. We all talk to our friends about what it is our partner does that is causing real distress and we tell our partner some of that but it seems to me that people don't really lay their cards on the table with the very person that they are supposed to be able to say anything to. Unconditional love can become all about conditions " I'm not doing this because she's not doing that" and " he needs to stop doing this before I will try that" It's crazy but we all do it.

There is a point where the hurting creeps in, where the boundaries are crossed and the resentment and dislike begins to build.What causes this?
I think it is a lack of honest communication, really honest down to the bare bones 'this is what you are doing that I don't like' talking. If one partner has built up more resentment than the other one, you then get the situation where one closes off and the other genuinely doesn't know why but is wounded and so closes off too. That person only finds out what their partner's problem really was with them when they become an ex partner and find that the previously silent partner is telling the world exactly what the problem was.
Then there is the situation where the other one does know what their partners problem is with them but doesn't want to or can't change what is hurting the relationship, which leads to a battle of resentment between the two that there is no going back from.

It hurts to hear criticism from a partner and it feels horrible to tell someone you love things that you know will hurt them but if that doesn't happen the problem builds and leads to the inevitable blurting out of nasty comments and in a lot more cases than many couples admit, physical fights. The whole thing is emotionally shocking, draining and it takes time to get over these huge upheavals to the relationship which is probably why couples try to avoid them at all costs but that just doesn't work. If a previously warm and loving partner becomes cold and disinterested or a previously mild mannered and easy going one becomes snappy and derogatory there is a reason for it! The frustration is when one partner won't talk "nothings wrong" "I don't know whats wrong, I'm just not happy" but these are just cop out avoidance phrases, they do know and if they don't then they owe it to the relationship and all the other family members to figure it out.

 One of the really sad things is when your partner just won't talk, won't change and wants to drift on as things are, being cold to you but not telling you why. Living like that is like a slow death, it can destroy you, rob you of all your confidence and leave you feeling depressed and unhappy with every aspect of your life. It's torture to see your partner happily interacting with work colleges, friends and extended family whilst theres a huge problem between the two of you thats not discussed. Sometimes it can be unbearably lonely inside a relationship thats struggling, especially if one person is struggling more than the other. The other very difficult situation is that if, on the whole, you get on well day to day. Home life is calm with smatterings of real happiness, holidays where everyone gets on great and family occasions that lull you into a false sense of security, which is shattered again when the problem rears its ugly head once more, which it always does.