My true friends and my family got me through those weeks and I love those people more than I can ever say. Friends would remind me why I left, sat sobbing on their sofas they would piece me back together and gently push me back through my front door. I couldn't let them down. My family were there with endless words of praise for my talents, reminding me of my inner strength and always on the end of the phone when I was wobbly. The internet was my friend, Facebook and my photography blog followers were there to reach out to, popping positive and humourous posts of my progress and getting positive comments back kept me sane.
It really is very very important to take kindness where its offered, one day you will be stronger and you will be called upon to be their shoulder to cry on so you can pay them back but now, lean on friends a little, build a community around you that has nothing to do with your ex.
I also wrote in my diary, endlessly, just wrote and cried and cried and wrote and sobbed and wrote and most importantly of all, I found a good counsilor. On my first session she asked me why I was there and I told her that I just wanted to make sense of it all, that everything was wirling around in my head and I just couldn't find any logic to all the things that happened. I knew I was broken and I needed someone other than me to help fix it.
I didn't want to go into another relationship so damaged, I couldn't bare another person telling me how rubbish I was at everything, critising me personally, physically, mentally and I knew if I wasn't careful I was doomed to attract another person like that as my self esteme was so low or worse still I was so paralised that I was doomed to live the rest of my life alone and scared to try again.
I had been a different person before, years previously I was so sure of myself, in my abilities, I was confident and I had lived with a man who thought the world of me and I wanted that back. Some people find themselves again by seeing themselves reflected in a new loves eyes, who in the first throws of love can only see the good in them but that just wasn't for me. I had loved very very deeply the good bits of the person I'd been with and the thought of living any kind of life with someone new was abhorant to me. But I didn't want to go back so there was only one thing for it, to declare that I would remain single and heal for at least a year. This was a brave choice considering the shaky ground I was on but now looking back I am prouder of myself than I could ever have been if someone had helped me and after a year of counselling and decorating I've got the me I was before back. Wasn't easy.
One of my favourite scenes in any movie is Will Smith in 'The Persuit of Happyness' when he is finally offered a job after months of unpaid trial at the firm, whilst living rough on the streets with his little boy. His new boss asks him if it had been easy and with tears rolling down his cheaks and the pain of an almost beaten soul on his face, he says "no sir, it wasn't". Some things arn't easy, after watching my father die a slow, painful, undignified death from a desease that ravedged his body for twenty years, I was under no illusions that there are many worse things to have to endure than a broken heart and a change of circumstances but I was determined to fight my demonds, to conquer. Its a work in progress but I'm definatly getting there.
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