Also I made a new front door curtain out of bits of fabric that I cut off the bottom of some too long curtains years ago and have kept for a useful purpose, which today they were given. All very positive but there was a little unexpected moment. I'm very strong right now, feelings wise, it took a long time of wobbly moments, resolve and relapse but slowly and gradually the all consuming pain of break-up has faded away, so it was quite a shock today to have a 'moment'. Ever since I moved into this house and into my new bed almost a year ago, I have only had one pillow, well two actually, one on top of the other but still just a place for my head to lie. Theres always something else to buy so I've never really got around to buying more pillows to make my double bed look like a double bed. Theres been no point as its not been a double bed, its been a great big single one just for me. But I finally got around to buying some lovely squishy 'bounce back into shape' ones today so that I can make myself go to bed earlier and pile up lots of pillows and read or type. I brought them home without a care in the world, dug out more pillow cases, moved my pillows from their middle spot and put the new ones on......the right, where he slept. Suddenly my bed looked like 'our bed' and I was frozen to the spot. It felt surreal. I haven't been near a two person bed since ours and there it was my side and his side, I could almost see his sleepy little head lying there. It sent shivers down my spine. I don't regret leaving, it was the right decision, I would never ever ever go back, not that we discussed it, I don't miss him, I feel nothing when I see him, i have weaned myself off him well. But there it was all over again, our bed, like nothing ever happened and I missed us in it. Weird!
I loved going to sleep together, in ten years we never went to bed separately when we were both home. We had the same routine every night, lay facing each other in the dark, mumbled tired words, cuddling right up close, then just as he was falling to sleep I'd turn over and he'd pull me right up to him, arms wrapped around me, I'd hold his hand and he'd kiss my shoulder. I'd stuff my feet between his to warm them and we drift off to sleep. At some point during the night we'd separate without waking but we started every nights sleep wrapped up in each other like that and I loved it. Perhaps that's what it is, I've spent more years that way than alone and it was just very familiar or perhaps it was that he had been the only man I had ever been able to sleep that way with. I could barely stand to be in the same bed with my husband (when it came to the sleeping part of course) and I would sleep wrong ways up, on the floor and in the end in a different room but with him I didn't ever want to leave his side. I'm slightly anxious to go to bed as the time draws nearer, I don't want to feel 'it'...the pain. I haven't felt it in a while and I really don't want to lie there on my side and remember. I often wonder if I will be able to share a bed with another man, if I will ever have again that feeling of 'just us in our bed' that I valued so much, drifting off to sleep in his arms, listening to his breathing, loving him so much. Right now that still feels so wrong, bedtime was ours, against the world.
Actually it's really helped just writing that down, as writing it down always does! I don't feel nearly as apprehensive to got to bed now
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